How To Prepare For A Hurricane

Florida is in Hurricane Dorian’s cone of uncertainty. We’re expecting anything from tropical storm conditions to the end of the world. According to the news, I’m leaning toward end of the world.

To prepare for the storm, everyone turns into a Doomsday Prepper. I need to prepare! Why don’t I have a generator? I need to dig a bunker. What if I have to overthrow the government in our post-apocalyptic wasteland? Do I need a gun?You race to the store to buy supplies before someone else can get them.

This is like no other shopping trip. There’s no list. No coupons. No plan. You arrive with one thing on your mind: prepare!

It takes twenty minutes to find a parking spot. Another ten minutes to load an old lady’s groceries in the back of her car. Does she realize there’s a storm coming? Why is she moving so slow? You take her cart and enter the store. What? You thought loading her groceries was a an altruistic act? There’s a storm coming. You look out for number one before anyone else!

Once you get in the store, panic sets in. I don’t have a list! What do I need?! In this moment your brain reverts to basic instincts. What does it take to survive? Bread and water.

Unfortunately, there is no more water. And the only bread left are hot dog buns. You grab three packs. Is that enough? I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I’M DOING!Another pack of buns finds it’s way into your cart just in case.

Everything goes downhill from here. How long will I hunker in my bunker? A day? Three? Until civilization restores? The store knows you’re clueless and placed appropriate bogo deals at every turn.

You wonder how many bags of chips you can eat while the world ends. Four bags? Six? They’re bogo so I should get eight just in case? Peanut butter? Jelly? Crackers? Cans of beans? A pot? Matches? Batteries? Toilet paper? Fill the cart and give me all the supplies!

After getting in line to check out, you start sizing up what’s in the carts around you. Oh, this guy prioritized wine. Smart. Is four bottles enough? You learn Oreos are bogo and somehow you missed them. Now you don’t feel as prepared as you did a minute ago. You feel left out. You ask the wine guy to watch your cart while you grab a few more things.

The high school cashier is completely over everything and everyone. She does not make enough money for this. I bet she’s been working like crazy. Do you think she’s prepared? If not, I got the last of the Oreos. Sucks for her. You pay and get as much cash back as possible. It’s not gold, but now you have enough hard currency when the grid goes down. Hard currency? The grid? What have I become?!

On the way home you stop to get gas. You filled up yesterday but who knows when you’ll be able to get gas again. Will you be able to get gas again? Do I need anything else while I’m here? Maybe I’ll run in real quick and grab a few things.

Stay safe, Florida. And make sure you’re prepared! Whatever that means.