A Comprehensive List of Everyone Still Using Facebook

Are you considering deleting Facebook? Are you fearful you’ll miss out on something amazing if you wipe the account from your life?

Fear no more, dear reader! I’ve conducted exhaustive research and compiled an extensive list of every demographic still using Facebook.

If you identify with any group on the list, stick around. If not, delete away!

Baby Boomers

Are you between 54 and 73 years old? If so, chances are everyone you know are still using Facebook. You missed the MySpace and Friendster fads of the early 00’s and don’t understand Twitter, but Facebook is safe and familiar. You keep sharing those memes and revealing answers to your secret questions! Keep that Facebook app front and center.

Note that sometimes Facebook is the only way to communicate with close relatives who are Baby Boomers.

New Moms

Have you given birth in the last 18-months? Prepare to join every mom’s group in your city looking for new BFFs! Post pictures of your child doing just about anything and your notifications will explode. Stick around because Facebook exists for you!

Anyone Who Markets To The Above Demographics

Do you sell products to new moms or Baby Boomers? Facebook is your wheelhouse! Spend a few dollars on targeted Facebook ads and watch the sales pile up. You don’t even need to bother with the Facebook feed, just head right to the business profile and laugh all the way to the bank.

Russian Bot

Have you pledged your loyalty to Vladimir Putin? Chose a generic American flag or some quasi-religious iconography as your profile picture and troll away. People will think you live nearby and will engage with angry responses. Meanwhile, you’ll be posting from the comfort of your Kremlin cubical farm. Silly Americans!

Local Restaurants That Can’t Afford A Website

Is your restaurant over twenty-five years old OR opened in the last twelve months? Facebook is a great way to get your business on the world wide web! Take a few low-light photos of your empty restaurant and add a poorly scanned image of half your menu and you’re ready to go! Want to increase visits? Post a photo of the owner so visitors know who’s in charge!

Nonprofits

Are you a local nonprofit hoping to target volunteers and solicit donations? Set up a business page for your organization and be sure to post at least five times a day. Over-saturate your followers’ newsfeed with all the amazing things you’re doing in the community! Don’t forget to set up a Facebook fundraiser to guilt your followers into donating.

People Whose Favorite Group Is On Facebook

Do you have an amazing group of internet friends who care and support each other but only use Facebook? Then you’re in it for the long haul, my friend! Bookmark the group page and try to train your brain not to type “Facebook.com” every time it clicks on the browser’s URL bar. Engage in the group while secretly wondering if there’s anyway to move the conversation somewhere else.

Insomniacs

Can’t sleep? Awake at three in the morning? Facebook publishes endless content and mindless videos just for you! Watch a few memorizing movies featuring food you’ll never eat or cute animals you’ll never pet. Before you know it, the sun will rise and you’ll be off to work!

Freelance Writers

Are you a freelance writer publishing on the internet? Keep that Facebook account around so you can share every story you write. People you know in all the above demographics will click on your work and maybe you’ll get paid this month! Probably not though because freelancers never get paid. But your views will be through the roof and exposure is more important than any bill.