The Kia Soul Conspiracy

A few weeks ago, my wife came home from work and shared an observation. She and her co-workers noticed that the ratio between Kia Soul and every other car had risen dramatically. According to them, there are Kia Souls everywhere.

I brushed this idea off. Sure, ok. And if there are, who cares? The Kia Soul is a cheap car, so it makes sense a lot are sold.

But then my eyes were opened to the truth.

I saw the boxy things at every corner. Every traffic light I stopped at had at least one Kia Soul opposite me. There are three within 100 yards of my driveway.

My wife was right. There is a disproportionate amount of Kia Souls on the road. The question is, why? Like my theory on Scarlett Johansson films, the Kia Soul Conspiracy was born!

Facts

• They are cheap. A commercial for Kia Souls here in town advertises them at $13,800 after taxes. That’s insane for a car. But it can’t be that simple. Of course, it isn’t that simple!
• They represent membership in some hamster worshiping cult. Why use a hamster as the marketing animal for your vehicle unless you want everyone to think you’re trapping them in an inescapable wheel of devotion? The low price draws you in, and then all of a sudden, you have hamsters all over your house. You blast LMFAO and think it’s good.
• They form a shadow mesh network that the government uses to spy on each of us. By my estimation, I am never less than 1000 yards from a Kia Soul. If each Kia Soul has an advanced antenna array built-in (which, of course, they do), they form a Soul-to-Soul network that records our cell phone calls and transmits them back to the NSA. If the government isn’t subsidizing these things (which, of course, they are), there’s no way they’re that cheap. And of course, a cute, cuddly, eternally-trapped-in-a-wheel-that-it-can’t-escape hamster would be the mascot. We’re all trapped by the Kia Soul. There is no escape.

Think I’m crazy? Think I’ve gone off the deep end? Fine. But know I was once just like you. Then my eyes were opened, and I saw the truth.

Simply open your eyes people!