This post was written by guest author, The One and Only Wayne.
Here’s the thing about me-I’ve got ideas, son. Lots of ideas. Things I want to invent. Things I want to do. Places I want to go.
Here’s another thing about me-I’m a big talker.
I’m often that guy who, when hanging out with a bunch of other guys, will say something like, “Hey, it would be funny if you…,” or “You know, someday we should…,” or even “Stop! If you touch her there she might wake up!” For now, I’ll focus on the first two.
And yes, that joke was stolen.
In the last however many months since the last thing I wrote, which I believe was a review of a Judas Priest cd (which is still awesome), I’ve had a number of what I felt were great ideas for things to write about: Things Carmax could do to make my job less cruddy. The Secret to My Success (or, How to Completely Avoid Success). Wayne’s Eight Rules of Pimpitude: How to Pick Up Chicks Like a Nerd Who’s Engaged to the Only Girl He’s Ever Dated. Why There’s Nothing Wrong With That, and Why This Subtitle is Just a Bit Too Long.
Note that the last one has no subtitle.
Everything comes back to the fact that I am not one to act upon any impulse to do something. Unfortunately, writing happens to be something. In fact, I think the last time that I was documented showing initiative I ended up with a device made of two trashcans designed for hauling someone through a field behind a moving vehicle. It got a little bloody.
I guess what I’m trying to do is tell all of my fans, which I’m convinced actually exist, that I’ll be writing more soon. Not so much because I’m trying to become initiative-ious. Not so much for the fame and the glory that comes with posting on this site. It’s because I want to put nonsense in an article and be able to find it with Google.
I’ll leave everyone out there with something I shared just a few days ago with some folks from church: I’m too sexy for my cat. Too sexy for my cat. Poor pussy. Poor pussycat.
~ fin ~
This post was written by guest author, The One and Only Wayne.
So, the other day this guy comes up to me at work and says, “Wayne, you’re the coolest guy ever. In my ongoing attempt to be just as awesome as you are, I want to listen to the same kind of music you do. What kind of cds do I need to go buy?”My response: “Aaaahhhh, pod people!” Then I stabbed him in the face with a soldering iron.
Had I been of sound mind at the time, I likely would have told him that I always go back to the rock.
Browsing through my music collection, from 58 to ZZ Top, it is easy to see that I either have a thing for rock music, or groups of four or five white guys. I won’t deny either one.
This being said, it may not be too hard to understand how excited I was a few years ago when it was announced that Rob Halford had rejoined Judas Priest, one of the most influential bands in the history of heavy metal. I’m pretty sure that I told everyone I know two or three times, at least. I’m also pretty sure that I don’t know anyone who really cared (sigh). Really, people, these guys co-headlined Ozzfest last year! They’re still awesome!
Whatever. On March 1, 2005, Judas Priest released Angel of Retribution, their first album in 15 years with the original lineup. None of my friends cared. However, I know better. I know that it may just be the best album in the 30+-year history of the self-proclaimed “Metal Gods.” Sweet guitar solos, a driving double-bass drum, and bald guy who can wail just about as well as he did before I was born. And that’s just the first song, “Judas is Rising.”
The first single released is “Revolution,” a song that seems radio-friendly and even has an accompanying video on the band’s website. It’s a bit of a different sound than the band’s last few albums, but not very different at all from Halford’s last two, which makes his re-entry into the band even more welcome.
I suppose that the best way to sum up Retribution is to say that if you like Judas Priest, you’ll like the album. I’d even say that if you like a heavier, non-Tom Petty-type rock, you’ll like the album. If you have at least one functioning lung, and an attention span of more than 17 seconds, you’ll like the album. It’s a collection of songs that is simultaneously classic Priest and something new, and it works. And where else can you find a 13-minute song about the Loch Ness Monster?
~ fin ~
This post was written by guest author, The One and Only Wayne.
Listen, I know this is really long and that I haven’t fixed spacing and such, but pity me and read it. Or pretend to read it just to get friends to read it.
The automobile has been a part of the American dream since 1908, when Henry Ford introduced the Model T, the first car that many Americans could actually afford. Since that time, the automobile has changed dramatically. These days, cars are more powerful, more comfortable and quieter than ever before. They can travel faster and further than ever. However, one thing has not changed. Automobiles still rely on gasoline for their operation. Additionally, cars today are no more fuel-efficient than they were fifteen years ago. This means that, in the not so distant future, or supply of fuel will be depleted. Therein lies the problem: most Americans do not care.
Five of the best-selling vehicles in the country weigh more than 4,000 lbs (Csere). This in itself would not be a bad thing if people were actually using all the room afforded them in Ford F-150 or Dodge Ram pickups to haul or tow. However, most people buy these to become personal vehicles. It just takes one trip to the mall or down the interstate to see that most large trucks and sport-utility vehicles (SUVs) are carrying just one person, and a lot of air. The public will not make the necessary changes, but will surely complain loudly in a few years, after it is too late. Also, the car manufacturers themselves cannot be relied on to make their own vehicles more any more than slightly more efficient, and then it is only to have a selling point or advantage over the competition. In the end, only the government has sufficient power to make the changes required to preserve our fuel supply.
Simply put, it is our dependence on fossil fuels that has produced the increasing prices and rapidly diminishing reserves that affect everyone, whether they actually own a car or not. Tied directly to the prices and availability of fuel, is the American economy. Every day, millions of dollars of merchandise are shipped from one end of the continent to the other by truck and train, and this alone amounts to a huge amount of consumed fuel. Were these distributors forced to pay higher prices for gas or diesel fuel, they would charge the manufacturer a higher price. This would then mean an increase in the price consumers must pay, which is something that no one wants.
Not only are the prices of consumer goods affected by fuel prices, but also our nation’s budget, which takes a hit each year because of all of the oil we must buy from other countries. According to “Energy Security,” a report recently published by the Union of Concerned Scientists, the US spends $200,000 each minute on foreign oil. That amounts to $105,120,000,000 each year that we are spending on oil which could be used on education or tax relief. There are some say that we should just rely on our own oil supply. That is a perfectly valid idea until one see that he same report also states that the United States supplies about 2% of the world’s crude oil, yet consumes about 29% of it. Additionally, if we were to begin drilling the Alaska, which President Bush has proposed, we would not actually get any oil until 2010 (10). Unfortunately, this means that we are too dependent on other nations to supply us the energy we need. Unless drastic changes are made to reduce the amount of fuel we are using, Americans will likely not be able to afford to maintain our current lifestyle. One of the most important of these changes involves our vehicles.
Historically, the automotive industry does not like to innovate unless it is forced to. It was not until our government forced them to that carmakers began installing such safety devices as seat belts and air bags, and even then, they complained for years. There is one group, however, that they will listen to: the consumer. Over the past few years, demand for large, inefficient vehicles has skyrocketed. The result is an explosion of new models of trucks and SUVs whose motto seems to be, “bigger is better.” Not since the heyday of tail fins decades ago have such large vehicles been used to transport people. According to Ford’s own website (www.fordvehicles.com), the 5,000+lbs. F-150 averages 15 miles per gallon (mpg). Compare this to the Toyota Prius, which is powered by an advanced gasoline-electric hybrid, which averages 48.5 mpg (Edmunds) and we can see that a great deal of progress could be made if customers spoke with their wallets. Yet, these same customers refuse to part with their trucks. The truck has become a symbol of success in America, part of the American Dream, and it is going to take something powerful to change that.
Enter the federal government. During the 1970s, the fed began to track something called the Corporate Average Fuel Economy, or CAF, (Fix). This program offers incentives to auto manufacturers who could successfully reach an average fuel economy of around 27.3 mpg for all of its cars and 20.7 mpg for light trucks and SUVs (Lane), and assesses penalties, based on sales volume, those that do not. One problem is that the requirements have not changed since their inception. The second problem lies in the fact that trucks are allowed to be less efficient than cars, and this is compounded by the fact that so many of them are sold. Immediately addressing these problems would constitute a major leap in prolonging the life of the crude oil supply. Carmakers would not be able to get away with selling such wasteful vehicles were it not for the fact that they are trucks, and apparently exempt from responsibility. The fines levied on foreign carmakers that do not meet the average mileage requirements have been very steep. For example, BMW was fined $13,147,249.50 just in 1999 (“Summary”) because its cars are not efficient enough. If trucks, which are sold in much higher quantities, were held to the same standard as cars, domestic makes would needlessly be shelling out incredible amounts of cash. As it stands now, however, our future fuel supply is being penalized. One thing that some companies are looking into, and this is a promising fact amid our current trend of “big rigs,” is an alternative to conventional gasoline engines.
If everyone decided to minimize overall fuel consumption, which is a great start, then a diesel-electric hybrid is a good way to go. It combines a diesel engine (diesels are more efficient than gas equivalents), and an electric motor, which powers the vehicle alone when the engine is not needed. These vehicles require no batteries, because the engine acts as a generator when necessary. It is estimated that this powertrain could offer a 47% increase in fuel economy when compared to a gas engine, and 22% better economy than a diesel engine alone (Lane). Other proposed alternatives involve hydrogen or ethanol, or E100, a fuel made entirely out of plant material. Numerous obstacles are involved with both options. Until fuel cells (devices that turn hydrogen into electricity and water) are perfected, not many people are going to want a tank full of extremely explosive gas just a few feet behind them. In addition, producing hydrogen, which is done through electrolysis, consumes a great deal more energy than the hydrogen will produce. As for E100, it ends up using roughly the same amount of petroleum as gasoline because of all of the diesel fuel required by farming, transporting, and processing machines (Bedard).
It would seem that the American way is in jeopardy. The people of this fine nation have dug themselves into a hole. Sadly, it is a hole which many are all too happy to live out their years in. What is worse is the awakening these people will receive when they realize that they are paying $200 to fill the forty-gallon tank of their Ford Excursion. I am optimistic, though, that changes will be made to improve what appears to be our future, although I may just be setting myself up for disappointment. Recently, a bill tried to work its way through legislation that would include cars and trucks together and increase the CAFE requirement for both. While it is true that this bill did not go too far, it shows that there are people out there who actually care, which is not a bad way to start.
Works Cited
“Ford, Henry.” Encarta 2001 Standard. CD-ROM. Redmond: Microsoft, 2001
Bedard, Patrick. “Gas is good,” Car and Driver. Mar. 2002: 22
Csere, Csaba. “The Steering Column.” Car and Driver. Mar. 2002: 11
Edumnds. http://www.edmunds.com 21 Apr. 2002
Energy Security. Cambridge: Union of Concerned Scientists, 2002
Fix, Janet L. “Ford has ideas about helping environment.” Auto.com 23 July 1999 21 Apr. 2002
Ford Division of Ford Motor Company. www.fordvehicles.com 21 Apr. 2002
Lane, Robert. Blue Oval News. 4 Dec. 2000 21 Apr. 2002
“SUMMARY OF CAFE CIVIL PENALTIES COLLECTED FROM MY 1983 TO 2000.” National Highway Traffic Safety Administration. 21 Apr. 2002
~ fin ~
This post was written by guest author, The One and Only Wayne.
Right, so I went to Best Buy the other day to get a cell phone, which every good car salesman has. While I was there, I remembered that the new Metallica album, St. Anger, had an early release. Finding it in the music section, I decided that it was surely worth the $13.99 sticker price. I later found out, that it was well worth the $9.99 sale price that it rang up at.
I’ve been a fan of rock and/or roll since my days as a yout. Yep, I just said “yout.” Anyway, instead of that song about the mulberry bush, I had memorized Welcome to the Jungle. I was five at the time. It wasn’t until elementary school that I really found Metallica. They had a heavy sound, a scary looking frontman (James Hetfield is pretty spooky when you’re little, though I now outweigh him by 10 pounds), and cool lyrics, which might be why they’re the most popular band in the world.
Their last album, ReLoad, has sold over 12 million copies worldwide, despite the fact that the “true Metallica fans” spoke out against it and it’s predessesor, Load. The widely acclaimed, and self-titled, Metallica, has sold over 14 million copies in the US alone. Needless to say, these Bay-area rockers know how to do just that.
“Frantic,” the first track, does a good job of setting the tone of the rest of the album. It begins with a short, though fun, back and forth assault from Hetfield and drummer Lars Ulrich and continues with a force that the band hasn’t shown since pre-Load days. The first single, “St. Anger”, for those who haven’t yet heard it, makes a really good initial offering, because it gives a taste of just about everything this album offers. I’ve played these two songs more than the other just because they rock to dang much. Not that they’re bad, I just won’t give any of them away, though.
Don’t expect anything slow like “Nothing Else Matters,” or any long, melodic breaks, such as you might find in “Master of Puppets.” There aren’t even very many solos. Just pure, unadulterated rock. Hide the kids. Actually, scratch that. Sit the kids down right in front of the stereo, tape their ears open, and show them what a 20 year old band can do.
~ fin ~
This post was written by guest author, The One and Only Wayne.
Each Saturday until April 26, Universal Studios is celebrating Mardi Gras with a pretty well-known musical guest. I missed Sugar Ray (darn) and The Allman Brothers Band (oh my), but it didn’t matter. Why? Because for weeks I had been looking forward to seeing the great Lynyrd Skynyrd (that a tough one to spell). Oh, to hear such timeless rock classics as “Simple Man”, “Gimme Two Steps”, and “Saturday Night Special” would have been quite the experience.
So, you may imagine how disappointed I was when, 5 days prior, I learned that the band had cancelled their appearance. I was alone in my car, but I’m sure that if you’d seen me my lip would have been sticking out in a semi-pouty manner. Minutes later I perked right up when Mr. Radio Voice told me that David Lee Roth was now going to perform on the 8th. Huzzah! Oh, happy day!
See, that’s because David Lee Roth rocks. Van Halen was a groundbreaking band when they released the self-titled “Van Halen” in 1978. Eddie Van Halen is a true genious with a guitar, but it was Roth who put a voice to the music, and for that matter, to the music videos. Constantly jumping around and high-kicking, belting out the high notes all the while, Roth brought a huge amount of energy to the stage. Until this past Saturday, I had only tasted the phenomenon that is Roth on MTV and VH1 (I just love Behind the Music).
Let me tell you first, that he still kicks and jumps high, now combining the two in what could be an impressive martial arts move. Second, let me inform you that he still has that trademark voice that he had 25 years ago. Thirdly, let me recommend that everyone go see him perform if given the opportunity, because he only seemed washed-up two, maybe three, times over the course of the hour-longish set. Once is when he offered to let an audience member to “reach between his legs and ease the seat back.” A little while later, he mentioned that this was his first gig all year, which made me feel a little bad for him. All he wants to do is keep rocking your socks off. He should be playing clubs or something, at least. Get a better agent, buddy.
His new band was pretty good. The bass player remained for the most part in the background, letting the guitarist and drummer do most work. This makes pretty good sense to me, as few Van Halen/Roth songs focused on bass. The drummer (forgive me, but I don’t know the guys names) sounded like he should be playing something much heavier, like Slayer, Testament, or the Misfits. I don’t remember Alex Van Halen being this noticable, and heavy, but the music was better for it. The louder, lower mix made the songs seem much newer than they actually are, and if done right, makes for a better experience than seeing old guys play the same old songs.
Van Halen songs are about Eddie Van Halen showing his skill with the guitar, and Roth’s new guy did a decent job reproducing the classic sounds of hits like “You Really Got Me Now,” “Panama,” and “Eruption” However, he doesn’t play it as cleanly and, whether done intentionally to make things sound newer, the end effect is that you constantly compared it to the cd you have at home.
~ fin ~
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