Best Olympic Moment Not Involving Michael Phelps

The Olympics were two of the greatest weeks of 2008 and there were dozens of amazing moments ranging from the incredible Opening Ceremonies to the unforgettable I Love Beijing theme song. There were so many great moments this year it’s hard to choose just one that stands out. Ok, that’s a lie. There’s one moment that was far better than any other and is, quite frankly, the greatest moment in aquatic sports history. The Justie for the Best Olympic Moment Not Involving Michael Phelps goes to Jason Lezak’s amazing comeback in the 4×100 relay which won the USA a gold and created one hell of a story. There has never been a comeback quite like that nor has there been an instance of shear determination. Way to go Lezak, way to go.

Greatest Thing on TV

All in all, it’s been a pretty crappy year for TV. The Writers Strike cut a lot of seasons short and seemed to affect the quality of TV for this season as well. So the pool to draw from here is obviously pretty slim. But there were some stand outs. The Office and 30 Rock have been stellar and new shows Fringe and Life on Mars have been entertaining. But one show has been better than the rest, so the Justie for Greatest Thing on TV goes to Chuck. Chuck is consistently entertaining and just quirky enough to be endearing but it was “Chuck Verses Tom Sawyer” that pulled it in. Twin Galaxies, arcade games and Rush? Can’t get much better than that.

Best Unintentional Use of Keywords to Drive in Search Engine Traffic

People search for funny things on the internet. Some people spend tons of money and time trying to figure out the best combination of Julianne Hough, Will Smith, Taylor Swift, Britney Spears, Tom Cruise, the Jonas Brothers and Wil Wheaton to get their search engine ranking high enough for people to notice. Around here I do things a little different. I write things and then see how people find them. If a Miley Cyrus mention gets slipped in, well, so be it. It was earlier this year while perusing my site logs that I came across this category’s winner. The Justie for Best Unintentional Use of Keywords to Drive in Search Engine Traffic goes to this post about Chinese food and Kevin Smith’s Zack and Miri Make a Porno. I’ll let you figure out what people were searching for.

Crappiest Thing to Happen to Someone Other Than Me

A lot of crappy things happened in 2008 including hurricanes, floods, earthquakes, fires and a new Rambo movie. I jumped off a cliff and blacked out in the water, but I’m exempt from this category for obvious reasons. No, there was one crappy thing that unfortunately deserves this Justie; the Crappiest Thing to Happen to Someone Other Than Me Justie goes to the economy. Sure, I’m affected indirectly, but whatever. The economy pretty much sucked this year and have put hundreds of thousands out of work. Unfortunately it looks like it may get worse before it gets better but one thing is for certain, it will get better. Here’s to hoping that the economy earns the 2009 Justie for the Greatest Thing to Happen to Someone Other Than Me.

Most Addicting Social Media Outlet

Hello my name is Justin and I’m a social media addict. This year there were plenty of social media sites begging to earn an addiction: Facebook, Shelfari, Strands, and Last.fm just to name a few. But there was one that stood out far above the rest — possibly combined. The Justie for the Most Addicting Social Media Outlet goes to Twitter. I wasn’t the only one addicted either. Not only did twitt rank as one of the years ‘buzzwords’, but now CNN even takes comments — and in some cases breaking news — from Twitter.

Strangest Nuance in a City I’ve Traveled To

This one is a tough one to call. I’ve been a number of places this year including Seattle, The Bahamas, New Orleans, Key West, North Carolina, Georgia and Utah. In those various places I’ve seen a fair share of strange things, like the odd traffic lights on the highway in Seattle, but by far the Strangest Nuance in a City I’ve Traveled To goes to Utah. Why Utah? Their numbering of streets is absolutely ridiculous. Everything is laid out in a grid, which makes sense, but that grid is far too large. For instance, we had to turn from S 700 E onto E 10600 S. Does that make any sense? Then, thrown into the middle of that was State St which does make sense. I don’t get it. Way to earn that Justie, Utah.

Coolest Thing of the Year

Despite all the crappy things that happened, 2008 had it’s share of some pretty cool things. Myron Rolle won a Rhodes Scholarship and I read Snow Crash, both pretty cool. The Dark Knight made a ton of money while the Devil Rays won the American League without any. Tiger Woods had the comeback of his career and Bill Gates ended his. All of these things are pretty cool, but only one can win the Award. The 2008 Justie for the Coolest Thing of the Year goes to The Olympics.

It was going to be pretty hard to beat the summer games. They began with the coolest Opening Ceremony ever performed (no video links available, stupid NBC) and included some unforgettable moments, a lot of which occurred in the pool. Michael Phelps won a record setting 8 gold medals, which will probably never happen again. Countless records were broken, smaller countries shined and for a few weeks in August the world actually came together and enjoyed each others company. You can’t really get much cooler than that.

All the Justies have been handed out and I’ve got nothing left for 2008. The ball will soon drop and bring in 2009. Let’s see what happens.

Warning: The content that follows will contain significant name dropping, product linking, and plenty of nerds. You have been warned.

Keynote

This year’s keynote speaker was Ken Levine, the guy who created and wrote BioShock. I was throughly looking forward to this because, having played BioShock, I thought it’d be pretty cool to hear about how this incredible game came be. Perhaps even how some of his high-philosophy story-line came about. When it came to it, Levine actually never mentioned BioShock by name and talked about his life to this point. He talked about finding his first group of real friends thanks to Dungeons and Dragons, a brief career in Hollywood, and finally coming to the realization that someone actually creates the video games he plays. The speech was sort of a rally cry for nerds everywhere. It was a good way to start the show.

Mike and Jerry

Mike Holkins and Jerry Krahulik are the brains behind Penny Arcade. Their alter-egos, Jonathan Gabriel and Tycho Brahe, are the main subject matter for the webcomic. They are, if you will, big time. At least until they start talking. They held two question and answer sessions where they answered everything honestly and hilariously. What I really liked about the two of them, other then the fact that they are as funny as their personas are in the comic, is that they are just as awe struck by everything as we are. They love video games and the comic is a result of that. Their “fame” is secondary and to them, fleeting. It could end at any moment as far as they’re concerned. Jerry said it’s a lot like running from lions, trying to hold off the end of the run as long as possible. They really seem down to earth, genuinely humble people. They set up an impromptu autograph session on the second to last day of the expo that Mike and I stumbled into. Instead of ending at 5pm, like the handwritten sign said, they waited until everyone in line got a chance to approach the table, something they clearly did not have to do. Through seeing them on stage, it’s clear to see they enjoy what they do and are grateful (and a little surprised) at the result.

Me and Felicia Day

The Guild

It’s no coincidence that I’m now segueing into talking about The Guild. Prior to attending PAX I was really looking forward to the screening of The Guild on the first night of the show. So excited that Mike and I entered the line almost two hours early to be sure we got a seat, which we did, in the second row. The Guild, which I’ve talked about before, is a web tv show about a guild of WoW players who decide to meet. The show was created by and stars Felicia Day and Sandeep Parikh, who were both at the expo. I got to meet both of them at The Guild booth and, like Mike and Jerry, are very approachable and humble. Felicia Day, who also stared in the very funny and hugely popular Dr. Horrible’s Sing-a-Long Blog, even embarrassed herself in the question and answer after the screening due to a slight slip of the tongue. It was pretty funny.

Wil Wheton

Admittedly I’m not geeky enough to know much about Wil Wheaton. I mean, I know that he was on StarTrek: TNG as a kid and he’s pretty funny on Twitter, but other than that I got nothing for you. He was the keynote speaker at PAX last year. This year, he was given his own panel. When asked how one man, even Wil Wheton, could have a “panel” he laughed and then said it’s because he’s awesome. Wil falls into the same category as all the rest I’ve talked about so far: humble, funny, and very happy with where they are in life. After Rickrolling us in dramatic fashion, Wil read some things he’s written and personally enjoys. He’s funny and pointed at the same time which is not an easy thing. I might have upped by nerd-cred by being there, but I am glad I sat in for the Wil Wheton Panel.

Line Up Room - Thousands of Geeks in One Place

People

It seemed that the kindness that seemingly emanated from Mike, Jerry, Felicia, Sandeep, and Wil was not limited to them. In fact, just about everyone was extremely friendly. A good deal of time at PAX is spent waiting in line surrounded by hundreds of other people (thousands in the Line Up Room). Despite being crammed in with other people, there is always someone willing to converse, play a game, or joke around. It definitely made waiting in all those lines much more pleasant.

Games

So PAX is a gaming conference, it’s fitting that I talk about games at some point. So I guess now will do. I’m a casual gammer. I play a few games a year. I read Destructoid and follow upcoming stuff, but I usually don’t go overboard with it. That said, there were a few titles that really excited me at PAX.

The first was Afro Samurai. This game, based on an anime on Adult Swim, features Samuel L Jackson as the Afro Samurai. It’s a cell-shadded game that looks really cool and plays like a typical button-mashing action game. Yes, I played this one. It was pretty fun. It’s clearly going to get a mature rating because, well, Samuel L Jackson is in it.

I attended the Ubisoft Demo that featured play throughs of both FarCry 2 and Prince of Persia. Both of these games look great. Prince of Persia has an art style that’s very unique and hard to describe. The game looks like a lot of fun, although I’ve not liked Prince of Persia games in the past, but we’ll see. FarCry 2 has a graphics and AI engine that is unrivaled. Fire spreads naturally, water ripples, you can see the heat of exhaust. It’s incredible. The game also looks hellishly difficult. The game developer, playing a production build of the game, kept dying. That game is going to be hard. What makes FarCry 2 stand out from other beautiful FPS games is it’s map editor. Usually a trivial feature, Ubisoft has raised the bar here. It’s really hard to describe. You just have to see it.

The final game I’m looking forward to is Fallout 3, which should be out sometime next month. This game is a mix FPS and third-person (and top-view if you want) that follows a survivor in the post-apocalyptic United States. It’s quest based and open ended. Weapons can be created from virtually anything found in the environment, which will have some very interesting results. This game looks to share a lot of similarities with FarCry 2 and BioShock. That’s a good thing.

Closing

It’s hard to summarize my PAX experience. It seems to trite to say it was great, or a lot of fun, even though it was both of those things. PAX is something that is hard to describe to someone who doesn’t play games but at the same time very easily relatable — as discovered by the people who shared our airport shuttle bus. PAX is the following:

If the Penny Arcade Expo has a star, it’s not Gabe or Tycho. It’s not special guests like MC Frontalot or Wil Wheaton. It’s not even veritable champions of nerdery like PAX ’08 Omegathon winner Joey Gecko. No, it’s geeky culture itself. And when we gather to celebrate our own, wackiness invariably ensues.

That was GeekDadZ via Wil Wheaton‘s recent post attempting to summarize PAX. PAX is about geeks. It’s for geeks. It is geeks. Maybe that’s why it’s hard to summarize. One thing is for sure, Mike and I will be back.

While I wrap up this marathon post, I’m going to add a gallery of pictures that we took at PAX featuring some of the crazy cosplayers. Check it out.

Like Whitney Houston, we believe the children are our future, which is why the sexual politics of Judd Apatow’s adolescent romp left us so depressed.

While I don’t think Superbad will doom this generation, I do think that most female roles tend to be a bit stereotypical. Cinematical blogger Monika Bartyzel said it best with the following:

The female star may be professionally successful, but she’s neurotic. Or she is obsessed with beauty and fashion. Or she wants to have a family. The lady butt-kicker might be tough, but she’s also half-naked, or doomed, or… Each female protagonist might have modern aspects, but there’s almost always a stereotypical aspect tacked along with it.

All of this talk about misogynistic films reminded me of a paper I wrote for the Multicultural Film class I took at Florida State about the male gaze, which is the idea that male directors tend to cast scantily clad female leads for stereotypical roles because they are more pleasing to look at. So, in honor of full disclosure, you’ll find the entire paper (three pages) and my thoughts on the male gaze below. Enjoy

The Male Gaze – April 2005

When Jessica Alba’s character Nancy is introduced to the audience in the film Sin City she is dancing at a sleazy saloon wearing not much more then a pair of chaps and cowboy boots. The camera pans around and focuses on Alba’s body as she gyrates, pleasing both the on-screen patrons and the audience watching in the theater. This focus on the feminine body is not limited to Sin City, it is actually a common trait known as the ‘male gaze.’ This notion of the gaze stems from what Sigmund Freud referred to as scophphilia, or “the pleasure involved in looking at other people’s bodies as (particularly, erotic) objects.” [Chandler, pg. 1] This notion is then applied to film as male directors produce “representations of women, the good life, and sexual fantasy from a male point of view.” [Chandler, pg. 1]

A film we watched in class that gives in to the traditional male gaze is Mean Girls. Here the focus is a small group of highly attractive high school girls — affectionately known as ‘The Plastics’ — lead by Lindsay Lohan’s character Cady. The film is full of toe-to-head panning body shots of the girls, particularly when initially introduced to the audience or after Cady undergoes her indoctrination into The Plastics. Director of Mean Girls, as well as another Lohan centered film called Freaky Friday, Mark Waters explains his use of the gaze: “When I find myself reading scripts I find the female stories just grab me more. It’s not a conscious choice. I think it comes back to in directing you basically have to wake up early in the morning and get up and shine a bunch of lights in a camera. It’s better if it’s a pretty girl than the sweaty guy. It helps you get out of bed in to work.”[Lybarger, pg. 3]

However, the male gaze is not limited solely to film. The series of graphic novels by Frank Miller that Sin City draws its inspiration features curvy female characters, often nude or carrying weapons, on almost every-other page. Gail Houston states that desire “motivates all speech, culture, and human behavior.” [Houston, pg. 249] Thus, a conclusion can be drawn that the gaze, whether in film or other forms of media, stems from human desire.

One facet of the male gaze as it relates to film can partially be blamed on typecasting. Typecasting, or actors “playing similar kinds of characters from film to film,”[Belton, pg. 98] locks actors into archetypes of individuals typically relying on stereotypes. When it comes to men, a prime example would be Bruce Willis. He is always the action hero that ends the movie bloodied and bruised with a few dead bodies under his belt. However, female actors tend to be typecast in roles that feature their bodies. Referring back to Jessica Alba, before the showing of Sin City a trailer ran for an upcoming movie which she stars called Into the Blue. Here images of a bikini-clad Alba diving underwater filled the screen. Couple that with Alba’s dance routine in Sin City and it is safe to say that she is being cast for her physical features.

Though, is all this talk about the male gaze and how it tends to dictate the filmmaking process bad? Well, not exactly. Again referring to Jessica Alba, in both Sin City and in a television show which she was the star, Dark Angel — where Alba played a genetically engineered teenaged girl who could break into anywhere and always wore black spandex while doing so — despite being objectified Alba was shown as a strong character and always came out on top of the situation. In Dark Angel she was constantly fighting for a cause greater then herself and towards the end of Sin City she was shown as having a tremendously strong will as she resisted her captor. Looking back at Lindsay Lohan, she is shown in Mean Girls as standing up for what is right and unifying her high school at the end of the film.

The male gaze drives everything seen in a film. Marcia Pally explains that “film depends on a series of looks — yours, the director’s, the hero’s — with the gaze goes the entire construction of cinema, from the list of characters to the way we see them.” [Pally, pg. 253] Because in this culture where sex seems to sell just about everything from movies to soap it is safe to assume that the male gaze will be ingrained with the filmmaking process for a long time to come. Though more and more the heroine is fighting for injustice or representing a goodness that only a female can bring to film — she just happens to be wearing a miniskirt while doing so.

Bibliography

Belton, John. American Cinema/American Culture: Second Edition. Boston: McGraw Hill, 2005.

Cahill, Ann J. “Feminist Pleasure and Feminine Beautification.” Multicultural Film: Essays Spring/Summer 2005. Boston: Pearson Custom Publishing, 2005. 259-76.

Chandler, Daniel. “Laura Mulvey on Film Spectatorship.” Notes on ‘The Gaze.’ Accessed 4 April 2005. http://www.aber.ac.uk/media/Documents/gaze/gaze09.html.

Dark Angel: Season One. Dir./Pro. James Cameron. Pref. Jessica Alba, Michael Weatherly, John Savage. DVD. 20th Century Fox Television, 2000.

Houston, Gail T. “Psychoanalytic Criticism.” Multicultural Film: Essays Spring/Summer 2005. Boston: Pearson Custom Publishing, 2005. 241-52.

Lybarger, Dan. “Mean Girls: How to Be a Cool Misfit.” Interview with Mark Waters—Nitrate Online. Accessed 4 April 2005. http://www.nitrateonline.com/2004/fmeangirls.html.

Mean Girls. Dir. Mark S. Waters. Perf. Lindsay Lohan, Rachel McAdams, Lacey Chabert. DVD. Paramount Pictures, 2004.

Miller, Frank. Sin City: The Hard Goodbye. New York: Dark Horse, 2005.

Pally, Marcia. “Object of the Game.” Multicultural Film: Essays Spring/Summer 2005. Boston: Pearson Custom Publishing, 2005. 253-58.

The Internet Movie Database (IMDb). Accessed 4 April. 2005. http://www.imdb.com/.

Sin City. Dir. Robert Rodriquez. Pref. Bruce Willis, Mickey Rourke, Jessica Alba. Theater. Troublemaker Studios, 2005.

(Via Cinematical and IFC)

Leah Culver decided to post a website asking for a new computer. Being a recent college graduate, and carrying all the debt that comes with that, Leah couldn’t afford to upgrade her old G3 iMac. As she says, she couldn’t even upgrade iTunes because her hardware was too old. So what did Leah do? She decided to sell ad space on the back of a MacBook Pro as a means to fund the computer. Leah sold ads at $150 a square inch to internet and Web 2.0 companies, saying “Don’t worry, your laser-etched ad will probably be around longer than your internet company!”

Not a bad idea if you ask me. I guess it just goes to show that it doesn’t hurt to ask.

Monday’s

9:00 pm

Starting on September 25th I’ll be tuning into NBC’s new Heroes. This show seems to be about ordinary people who somehow obtain super natural powers. In the preview there is a guy who can stop and turn back time and a man who can fly. It’ll be interesting to see where the show goes but one storyline that I have always loved is ordinary people in extraordinary situations — and super heroes. Hopefully this show will deliver the goods.

10:00 pm

After Heroes I’ll be sticking with NBC to try out Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, which starts September 18th. This new show features Bradley Whitford from The West Wing, as well as some of the production team, and looks to be witty and fun. Early hype on this one is good so again, hopefully NBC’s West Wing replacement will be a hit.

Tuesday’s

8:00 pm

Although the network is new, CW brings Gilmore Girls back in its usual time slot on September 26th. I’ve mentioned before that yes, I do enjoy the Gilmore Girls. It’s witty and quick and, although it often features women yelling at each other, is very humorous. I’ll be tuning in. After all, I have to find out who Lorili is going to do next…

9:00 pm

This time slot will be my first use of the DVR during the week. Over on FOX, the new show Standoff will be debuting on September 5th. This show pairs Office Space‘s Ron Livingston with Anna Espinosa herself, Gina Torres as FBI hostage negotiators. Interesting casting yes, but the show looks like it could be edgy enough to maintain interest while supplementing layered characters to carry over story lines from week to week. While Standoff is running on FOX, CW will bring Veronica Mars back for it’s third season on October 3rd. When I first discovered Kristen Bell Veronica and her friends I was instantly hooked. The second season was recently released on DVD and should start arriving through Blockbuster Online tomorrow. An interview with the show’s creator, Rob Thomas, reveled that VM has only been brought back for an initial 13 episodes this season and that if viewership doesn’t increase, the show might be doomed. Hopefully airing directly after Gilmore Girls will help and Kristen Bell Veronica Mars will get to stick around for a full year.

Wednesday’s

8:00 pm

With last season’s cancellation of Arrested Development, television was left with a serious gap in the comedy genre. NBC looks to try and bring a bit of that back on October 4th with the new 20 Good Years. This new show stars AD’s Jeffrey Tambor and John Lithgow. The premise is simple but looks like it could be highly entertaining. We shall see.

8:30 pm

Looks like I’ll again be sticking with the Peacock to check out the new 30 Rock starting October 11. 30 Rock is the new Tina Fey concoction that brings former SNL cast members together again and looks to be funny. I’m not holding my breath however as such pairings have often crashed and burned in the past.

9:00 pm

One word, LOST. It returns on October 4th for a “mini-season” and then will return again in January for an uninterrupted run ala 24. I can’t wait to find out what The Others wanted with Jack and co. Can’t wait. Period.

10:00 pm

The ten o’clock hour will again put the DVR in use. There are two brand new shows that have caught my interest in preseason commercials. NBC’s Kidnapped, which debuts September 20th, has peeked my attention since I participated in a feasibility test for the show. The show has serious potential, but very well could wind up being another dud much as NBC’s mid season replacement, Heist. The other show premiering in this time slot is ABC’s The Nine. This show focuses on nine people who are all caught up in a bank robbery that turns into a multi-day standoff. The show, utilizing it’s post-LOST time slot, seems to edge toward how the nine people’s lives are all intertwined and connected. This show looks very interesting. My only qualm is that ABC not try too hard to push the LOST crowd into The Nine by making the show too “supernatural” — as was the case with Invasion, which bombed. We’ll see on October 4th when the show debuts.

Thursday’s

8:00 pm

My Name is Earl returns to NBC on September 21st to try and recapture the brilliant idea of the first season. Hopefully it does.

8:30 pm

NBC’s critical and viewer loved The Office also returns on September 21st. This is pretty much the funniest show on television right now. Need an Office fix? Check out the special webisodes on their website.

10:00 pm

ABC is paring some of the creative team that formed LOST and Alias (interested yet?) to bring Six Degrees to life on September 21st. This show follows the six degrees of separation idea and shows how six people in New York City are connected. This could be interesting, but it also could be a little too much like The Nine. Hopefully there will be a significant distinction between the two.

Friday’s

This is a crappy night for TV. Shows airing here are usually doomed to an eminent cancellation. That said, if I’m home and bored — or if I feel like using DVR space, I might tune into Las Vegas during the 9:00 pm slot beginning October 20th — even though the latest seasons were never able to live up to the brilliance that was the first.

Well, there you have it, my list of must-watch-TV (notice I didn’t infringe on NBC’s trademarks). There will be other shows added in as the season progresses as notably Scrubs has yet to have a start date announced. Also, come January, 24 will return to the picture. While there will be some noted additions, there will also be some removals as some of these new shows will no-doubt be cut from the list because they fail to preform. Here’s to hoping it’s none of the ones I get attached to.

I might be addicted to television…

In case you haven’t heard, the once dubbed “Pop Princess” has officially married… again. A few days ago Britney Spears married some guy in a private “family only” ceremony. I wonder if the guy she got married too while she was drunk in Vegas was there. That would be interesting. I also wonder why it was considered “family only.” You think Britney would be trying to clean up her image. I mean, a kiss with her new husband is probably going to pick up better press then a kiss with Madonna. Wait, who am I kidding? Anyway, the fact that Britney is again married is going to kill her career–not that she really has one anymore, but you know, its all relative. I can see her trying to ride on “The Newlyweds” coattails and try to get a show of her own, but face it, Britney just isn’t as stupid as Jessica Simpson. So Britney, sorry to say, but your time has come and gone.

BREAKING NEWS:
This just in exclusively to Lone Palm Creations, President Bush makes deal with God to prevent further hurricane devastation in Florida.

LPC has just unearthed a memo written by God to Mother Nature. The exclusive document explains how God agreed to stop sending hurricanes into Florida in order to help President Bush get reelected. LPC has verified God’s signature in the memo as authentic based on past memos in our archive. Here is the document in its entirety:

Expect more on this breaking story as it develops, and remember you heard it here first.

In other news, McDonald’s France has hired on the Olsen Twins to be their new spokes-ah-twins. The two and only, newly legal, Mary-Kate and Ashley will not only be trying to sell the McArtery-Cloger to their millions of French fans, but they will also be putting Mary-Kate and Ashley toys in French Happy Meals. Ok, correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t Mary-Kate just take a ride in rehab because of an “eating disorder?” I guess McDonald’s doesn’t care. Maybe the French don’t either. But does anyone else find this a little strange. I wonder what happens when someone goes from being anorexic to eating McDonalds all the time. The guy from Super Size Me should look into that. Here is the premise: Take little anorexic Mary-Kate Olsen and follow her around for a month, only allowing her to eat McDonald’s food. I think she would explode. It’d make millions. And hey, its not like the world would be any worse off, we’d still have Ashley.

This just in: LPC can no longer say with great certainty that the document produced earlier is authentic. We are very sorry for this very unfortunate turn of events and in no way intended to mislead the public or affect the presidential election. In our defense, Dan Rather gave the memo to LPC and personally assured us that John Kerry assured him the memo was indeed authentic. Again, LPC is sorry for this.

Ok, so Bush didn’t make a deal with God and Dan Rather didn’t give us any memo. But let me say this about the upcoming election. I could care less about what Senator Kerry did or didn’t do in Vietnam. Likewise, I don’t care whether or not President Bush got special treatment in getting into the National Guard. This election should be about what the person will do as President of the United States of America. Bush has four years of experience under his belt and, like it or not, he is running on it. Kerry has twenty years of experience in the US Senate but is he running on that? No, of course not, that would be silly. What is more important, of course, is the four months Kerry spent in Vietnam thirty years ago. Listen people, there is only a short time left before the election. The debates are just around the corner. Make your decision on who to vote for based on policy and not the mudslinging and crap that doesn’t really matter. And if you are eligible to vote, but aren’t registered, October 4th is the deadline to do so.

Finally, I just celebrated my twenty-second birthday; I am currently one sixth of the way through my senior year here at Florida State University and have absolutely no idea what my “Service Operations” class is all about. Test in there on Thursday. I think I’m going to try and figure out just what it is.

Let’s face it. Everyone who reads this drivel is a common person and common people make common resolutions: loose weight, read a book, eat a baby, etc. Because of this, it wouldn’t be much fun to talk about these. So, I’m going to use my power to make resolutions not for myself, but for people who really need them: celebrities.

My first resolution is for Miss Britney Spears. Oh wait, I’m sorry, it’s now Mrs. Britney Alexander. In case you haven’t heard pop music’s little school girl who apparently wed her “longtime friend” Jason Alexander (no guys, is not the one who went to Boone) in Las Vegas. Was she drunk? Will it be annulled when the court opens tomorrow morning? Who knows, but here is Britney’s resolution for 2004: If you annul this marriage, remember the story of the boy who cried wolf because I don’t want to see you on CNN saying “Oops I did it again…”

The next resolution I’m going to dish out this evening is for the one and only Michael Jackson. You may be crazy, and you may or may not have touched that little boy where the sun don’t shine while he slept in your bed, I don’t really care. But, one thing I’m pretty certain about is that the police didn’t abuse you as you so claim. So, give it up. Try and go to trial with some sort of dignity, well at least as much as a former black man turned white woman can have.

Xavier Beitia, this next one’s for you. Two years ago it was wide left, two nights ago it was wide right. In nine months you get to play Miami again. Your resolution should be to learn to kick against them. Because, you know, with Jeff Bowden calling plays and Chris Rix attempting to make them, FSU needs some help.

Finally, as I’m sure everyone knows Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen turn 18 this year. Like I’ve mentioned before, a quick search for “Olsen Twins Countdown” on Google will bring up dozens of websites dedicated to informing the waiting public of the exact number of seconds until this occurs. So, to the Olsen twins: follow in the great Hilton sisters footsteps that have paved the way before you. You should strive to be like them — just, you know, minus the severe stupidity.

The first big news story of 2003 was, regrettably, a tragic one. On February 1st, NASA’s shuttle Columbia disintegrated upon reentry killing all seven crew members onboard. This was the first major loss to NASA since the Challenger tragedy in 1986. Debris from the shuttle was found over much of the United States. In August, NASA confirmed that faulty heat-shield tiles were to blame for the disaster and vowed to check every inch of the remaining three shuttles in its fleet. The shuttle program is still grounded and is said to remain so well into 2004.

Arguably the largest story of 2003 is that of the war in Iraq. The problem escalated until March 19th when a coalition of nations — mainly the US and the UK — began Operation Iraqi Freedom. The goal was to finally end Saddam Hussein’s totalitarian rule over the Iraqi people. A swift bombing campaign was followed by a massive swell of ground troops who marched into downtown Baghdad on April 9th. On that day the immense statue of Saddam at the city square was torn down for the world to see. It would be a good eight months later, on December 14th at 7:30am EST when Paul Bremer announced “We got him.” Ironically Saddam’s capture came not in a hale of bullets but with a cowardly surrender.

2003 also saw the first successful recall of a state governor. Gray Davis was effectively thrown out of office with an October 7th vote that in turn installed non other then Arnold Schwarzenegger as the new governor of California. Schwarzenegger vowed, in an extremely impressive inauguration speech, to fix California’s problems and get the power back to the people.

One of the most obnoxious stories of 2003 has to be the constant press that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez — AKA JLo — received. The press focused constantly on the upcoming wedding and how much in love the two were. That was until July 15th with the release of Gigli. Considerably one of the worst pieces of film ever made, (The Internet Movie Database has Gigli ranked in the top 10 of the bottom 100 movies in history. Also up there is From Justin to Kelly.), Gigli bombed at the box office and reports came out saying that the wedding was now off. Frankly I don’t really give a crap what the new story on them is, so I’m ending this segment here.

It’s hard to call it the fad of 2003, but in a way, it kind of is. Severe Acute Repository Syndrome, or SARS for short, swept the globe seemingly instantly killing 750 people in over 25 countries. SARS was a mystery until it was discovered by a scientist who later died from the very virus. The largest concentration of victims seemed to hit in Japan and Toronto. Shortly before the virtual elimination of SARS from the globe, and thus the news, an Asian design firm unveiled designer SARS masks allowing people to stay safe and be fashionable at the same time.

The sports world saw some very odd occurrences in 2003. Tampa Bay won the Super Bowl. The Florida Marlins won the World Series. FSU lost to Georgia in the Orange Bowl and Ohio Sate beat Miami in the Fiesta Bowl to win the National Championship. The Orlando Magic went 1-19 to open their 2003-2004 season and FSU basketball went 9-0 to open theirs. It just goes to show that when it comes to sports you can’t take anything for granted.

Yes, a lot happened in 2003. So much that I have only briefly skimmed the surface with this trice recap. But here’s to the completion of one year and to a great year to come. All of us here at Lone Palm Creations wish everyone a merry Christmas/happy Hanukkah/merry Kwanza and a happy new year!

In today’s local news–which would be Orlando, Florida in case you didn’t know–Universal’s Islands of Adventure is reporting that a man who was riding the Dueling Dragons rollercoaster lost his $13,500 prosthetic leg. Dueling Dragons is an inverted rollercoaster, meaning ones legs dangle from the seats which are suspended to the track above. According to Universal IoA Risk Management, loss of prosthetic legs while aboard Dueling Dragons is quite common. He also reported that dive crews are scouring the lake in which the leg fell and are trying feverishly to find the leg. Moral of this story: make sure you’re leg is firmly attached before riding a rollercoaster.

In a story originally published in the August 18th issue of Newsweek and brought to my attention by the Phillips Phile (a local talk radio show found from 3-7 pm on Real Radio 104.1 or worldwide on XM channel 152), apparently more and more middle and upper class teenagers are becoming prostitutes. Newsweek talked with a girl who calls herself “Stacey” who is a “[c]ute, blonde and chatty” 17 year old living in Minnesota. Evidently, one day while at the Mall of America shopping for new clothes an older man approached “Stacey” and offered to buy her clothes so he could see her in them. She agreed and went home with $250 worth of new threads. From there “Stacey” started to strip for money in hotel rooms and that evidently lead to sex. She reportedly set up a voicemail box on a dating service looking for well off men looking for a good time. “Stacey’s” going rate? $400. What do her parents think? Well, until she was arrested, her parents didn’t know. “Stacey” would tell them she was going to the mall or friends and be sure to be home before midnight, her curfew. What did “Stacey” have to say about this? “Potentially good sex is a small price to pay for the freedom to spend money on what I want.” The FBI and other agencies are calling this “Designer Sex”–meaning that teens are having sex in order to afford designer clothes or electronics. In the end, “Stacey” was caught after a typical hotel meeting with her and two other teenagers turned out to be set up by an undercover detective. Oops. Moral of this story: screen your phone calls.

I mentioned earlier that Schwarzenegger is running for governor of California. Let me quickly run down some of the other people on the California ballot. Garry Coleman, the “cute little black midget” (Bubba Whoop Ass Wilson) who stared on Different Strokes, is running not to win, but to bring others to the polls. How thoughtful. “Hustler” publisher Larry Flint is running and actually expects to win. I don’t know about you but if he runs his campaign anything like that movie about him (‘The People vs. Larry Flint’) he might have a chance. Apparently there are a few other porn stars, some politicians including California’s current Lt. Governor, the capital buildings janitor and yes, me. Not really. However, there are roughly 200 people on the ballot because, well, all it takes in $3,500 and 65 signatures to be there. But if you ask me, my money is on Arnold. Heavily underrated by pretty much everyone, Arnold is quite intelligent and–I believe–has what it takes to turn that state around. Though, come October we’ll see what the faithful people of California (saw it in an Arnold voice) have to say. Moral of this story: when you can’t find other weird stuff in the news, default to crazy political happenings.

And finally, I saw that this evening the annual Miss Teen USA Pageant is on NBC. You know what this means, a whole new flock of prostitutes out on the streets.

Now I’ve got you don’t I? Popular culture, a PC many times worse than the evil virus known as political correctness, is now so ingrained into our way of life that it effects us every single day in multiple ways, namely trends, fads, gossip, etc. Lets take these one at a time, in order of severity of course.

Gossip is the most identifiable result of popular culture. What do you people talk about around the proverbial water cooler? Well, if you stand there for more than twenty three and a half seconds I guarantee you that right after you find out that your boss is buying hookers with a company credit card something having to do with J-Lo’s ass, who’s currently sleeping with who among the set of Friends, or weather Fred Dirst is currently with Britney or Christina… I’m sorry X-Tina will come up. Don’t believe me, try it out tomorrow. Go to work and bring your certified spy equipment and monitor the conversations of that hot coworker you want to, er work with.

The second result of pop culture is that of fads. What exactly is a fad? Well, simply put a fad is something that is “taken up with great enthusiasm for a brief period of time; a craze” (my props to the one and only Dictionary.com). You all know ‘em, you just choose to forget them–another result of PC which I will address later. Fads that have come and gone over the past years are Bennie Babies, smoking, and the one and only annoying Furbee’s. Oh the humanity. LPC side note: Upon conducting research for this article I came across this extremely interesting video entitled Furbee Luv–aparantly Furbee’s like it rough.

The final result of popular culture on Justin’s List-O-Coolness are trends. A trend is basically a fad that stands the test of time and becomes our reality. If this were PC’s only side effect, pop culture would still be able to run the world; this is how extremely powerful trends are. Sometimes, however, it is very hard to tell the difference between a fad and a trend. You may think the Macarena was a trend but I’m sorry my friend, it was only a fad. Trends aren’t usually noticed because it takes so long for them to develop. Think about it though. Some of the latest trends are that of everyone choosing to be healthy and work out and stuff. Another trend is that of low rise jeans, well you know, I guess you could attribute that to the health trend. I mean if everyone is healthier and thinner and sexier then of course their clothes are going to be smaller and lower… or maybe i’ve gotten dumber as I’ve written this articler.

Ok, so earlier I said that another result of pop culture is that we forget stuff very quickly. Don’t believe me, here, I’ll prove it to you: Proof. This shows how powerful PC is. Take for example when you go to the movies these days, you always go and see the big blockbusters. A great example of this is the recent rise and fall of The Hulk. Ok, so first let me preface this by saying I have yet to see the big green guy on the big screen, but from what I hear the movie sucked more than those girls down on OBT. Anyway, last weekend was opening weekend for The Hulk and millions of people went and saw it. Why? Well for many reasons but the biggest being that “The Incredible Hulk” was a huge comic book back in the day. On opening weekend the angry green man man made just over $60 million dollars. This weekend, it’s second weekend in the theater, The Hulk’s profits dropped 70% to a whopping $18 million. Sad isn’t it. Within the next handful of weeks, maybe three, The Hulk will be gone… as will the hopes for a sequel. But you know, that’s the result you get for playing with popular culture.

Playing with pop culture is like playing with fire. Though, just like fire, PC is kind of hard to avoid. Today people know more about the lives of celebrities than the lives of their own neighbors. People are more interested in what Halle Barry ate for dinner last night than what their kids are doing at four in the morning. Think I’m off my rocker and spent too much time in front of the computer today? Well, probably but some variation on that theme is true. If it weren’t tv shows like Entertainment Tonight would go off the air.

Anyway, point is that popular culture has slowly and quietly taken over the world. It now has it’s clutches on all of us. But you know, I don’t really care. I mean its not a bad thing or anything. In fact, it’s kinda cool. I mean it gives my website purpose. If it weren’t for movies and politics and stuff like that, I don’t know what this website would be about. And so as I conclude this extremely poignant and well thought out article–haha, right–I am giving you, the reader a gift. Below you can download the very desktop wall paper I use on my computer here. I call it the Lone Palm Pop Culture Wallpaper of Doom and created it shortly after I redesigned the title bar for the website. It’s pretty much a testament to hot celebrities, movies, and other forms of pop culture. Hope you like it.

Lone Palm Pop Culture Wallpaper of Doom